Anger- Another Taboo?

"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore."

~ Network

I've thought a lot about my blog entry yesterday about sadness and depression.  I realized those things aren't the only tabooed feelings.  Anger is another big one. Basically anything that isn't "happy" and "joyful" we don't want to talk about.  If we talk about it, we might have to acknowledge our own unpleasant feelings.

What's the first thing someone usually tells you when you're angry?  "Don't be upset.  Don't be angry."  And then they'll give you reasons to invalidate your anger.  Lost your job?  They'll say, "Don't be angry.  It's the economy."  A loved one dies and someone will say, "she's in a better place."

Bullshit!

I listened to that advice when I lost my job and then I became depressed and gained twenty-five pounds in two months.  That's how I always did it.  Stuff the anger and be a "good guy."  Rise above.  What was I rising above? Nothing.  I was stuffing those feelings of anger down as fast as I could shovel food into my mouth.  The only thing rising was my blood pressure.

I'm not saying I should have let my anger rule my actions, but had I acknowledged it and used it to empower myself, there's a lot of energy in anger.  I could have found positive ways to release it and use it.  Denying it only buries it deeper where its bound to escape in a less controlled and appropriate manner.  That's why it's usually the "quiet ones" who take off on a murderous rampage, much to the surprise of everyone around them.

Yesterday as I thought about sadness and depression, an old saying occurred to me, "Depression is anger turned inward."   Okay, Oprah, this might have been my "aha" moment because it all clicked.  Last night I realized just how angry I am and what I've been stuffing down.  Personally, there are a few things I haven't been able to express yet for fear of burning a bridge, but there are many things that contribute to it.  Turn on the nightly news and it's full of reasons to be angry.

Our government is fucked up beyond anything I've seen in my lifetime.  The price of gas fluctuates with the greed of the oil industry executives.  Banks get bailouts and then give their CEOs bonuses.  The prices at the grocery store keep going up and up.  Cheap fast food is the only thing some families can afford and it's making them fatter.  Jobs are scarce and the employers who do hire have us by the balls.  Workers comp cases are down, one friend in the legal industry told me, because workers are afraid to make waves for fear of losing their jobs.  We are becoming a nation of indentured servants to the wealthy one percent.

The clip above comes from the 1976 film, Network, starring Faye Dunaway, William Holden and Peter Finch.  It's empowering and the same speech could be delivered by Brian Williams or Barbara Walters today.  It's that timely.

I think we all need to get angry, not to carry it around with us, but to express it in a positive life changing way.  Individually we can only address what is in front of us, but collectively, we can make a difference.  Say what you want about the Occupy Wall Street movement, but it certainly showed us we're not alone in our anger.  Let's use that to empower us, as a nation, and as individuals.

Personally, today I'm going to express my anger instead of stuffing it down with food.  I think I'm going to need a punching bag to go with my rice cake and salad today.

Winter/Post Holidays Blues

"Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever. 
Between you and me, I could honestly say. 
That things can only get better."

~ Elton John- That's Why They Call it the Blues

We can talk about a lot of things these days. There are very few social taboos left.  We talk about sex, like we're discussing household chores or planning our next vacation. We tell our friends how much money we make. We'll even show you our strategically placed tattoo if you ask.  What we won't do is talk about depression.  We certainly won't admit to it.  If we do admit to it, someone will try to sell you a pill.  "Here, try this green one.  I'm never sad, but of course my sex drive is gone too." 

Depression is a familiar acquaintance to me.  We've hung out occasionally since I was in high school.  He's not around all the time.  Mostly he shows up when I'm feeling stressed or something in my life feels beyond my control.  He's a part of me and I don't need for him to go away.  I just wish he wouldn't come on so strong when he visits. Until I acknowledge his presence, I'm paralyzed.  Everything seems unmanageable.  Once I accept him, I begin to get my power back.   Somehow by admitting I'm depressed, it goes away. 

The gray winters of Dayton, Ohio are a lovely vacation place for my dark passenger (yes, I'm stealing that term from Dexter).  He showed up yesterday and between the post Holidays let down and the rainy days lately, he unpacked to stay for a while. I humored him and we hung out yesterday, but this morning I packed his bags and sent him out again.  He may be back when the sun disappears, but for now, he's out of the house. 

Some may wonder why not just take a pill and avoid all of this?  I've tried that route and it didn't really work for me.  True, the sadness didn't seem as sad, but the gladness was never as glad either.  I want to live a life with a full range of emotions; not just the safe ones at the center of the pendulum.  As a writer, I have to experience it all. 

The holidays are difficult for some people.  We think about the ones who are no longer here and how much we miss them.  We say goodbye to family members as they get back on airplanes and back to their own lives.  We spend too much money and then worry how we'll keep the lights on.  Many things can bring on the blues.  In the advice of Elton John, "Don't look at it like it's forever."   It's only temporary. 

If a friend seems down or sad this time of year or any other, don't offer them a pill.  Offer them a smile and a hug.  It will be more appreciated than you'll ever know. 

Finding Something You Never Expected

Henni Fisher as Connie. John Spitler on the
left and Scott Knisley in the back.

If you follow me on Facebook, you already know what I've been up to lately and probably why I haven't done any writing here.  What you wouldn't know is how many times I've started an entry and stopped because I couldn't find the right words to express the range of emotions I've been overwhelmed with.  It all seems kind of silly because all I was really doing was performing in a play, The Blue Moon...Dancing. 

Its not completely unusual that I was doing a play, but this experience was like none I've ever had.  This is where the plethora of emotions come in and I have a hard time putting them into words.

I got to work with some amazing actors again and some for the first time.  I got to stretch myself as an actor in a meaty role that challenged me every night.  The best part was being part of such a supportive cast.  Everyone got along.  We hung out together.  It was almost like college again and for this forty-seven year old, it was much needed.

Josh Lurie, Angela Timpone, Marsha Nowik,
Wendi Michael

The show was about a group of people who have let their dreams pass them by.  Each character has a range of hopes, dreams, and regrets.  Who can't relate to that?  Its a theme that seems to mirror my own life on many levels.  It wasn't that long ago I decided to make my dream of being a writer, a reality.  This experience reminded me of that other dream I put on the shelf many years ago.  The dream of becoming an actor.

As a writer, it's a solitary life.  You don't have a cast to hang out with when you finish writing your pages for the day.  It was a big change.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my writer friends and I love hanging out with them.  They seem to "get" me, but I think a few of my fellow actors might also "get" me.

Scott Knisley and Kelly Engle

My dear friend, Katrina said it best.  "Acting is the opposite of writing."  I think that's true.  I'm grateful that both are a part of me and that I got to feel embraced by these very talented theatre people and equally embraced by my writer people who came to see the show.  You all fill my heart with love.

Now the play is over and it's back to the writing.  If I'm lucky, when I finish my daily pages, somewhere off in the distance, I'll hear the sounds of laughter and cheers coming from an invisible audience.  I'll take my bow and get back to reality.  

I Could Die Happy- Bonus

I've been grateful for so much in my life.  Its easy to say that when everything is going well, but the true test of gratitude is feeling it even when things aren't going so well.  I've been there many times, but still held on to my gratitude.  Sometimes its the only thing that keeps us going.

Right now, even with some pretty major uncertainly to my living situation, I am having the time of my life.  Choosing to do the play, The Blue Moon... Dancing was one of the best decisions I've made since I took a writer's workshop with Katrina Kittle and met a great group of writers.  With Blue Moon, I'm working with some of the most talented actors I've ever worked with, and I can honestly say this is the best work I've ever done and its reawakened a long lost dream.

I'm working with a great director in Greg Smith, some actors I've worked with before, and a couple I've never worked with, but already can't wait to work with again.  More than that, I'd call these people friends. They are terrific.

Tonight is opening night and I wish all of us a great three week run.  I hope to savor every minute of it.

I Can't Die Happy......I've got too much left to do!

I have a lot of reasons to be grateful.  Over the course of thirty one days I listed some of those reasons.  The truth is there are so many more.  Lately I've also been crazy busy (which is one excuse for getting behind here) and sometimes in the midst of the bustle I forget to stop and enjoy it.

My fantasy cover to my novel. 

 I've started doing another play and my role is a meaty one. I'll be playing things on stage I've never played before.  Some of it is emotionally raw and a bit too close to my own heart for comfort.   I'm having a good time with it though.  Secondly I'm finishing up revisions on my novel.  I have someone who wants to take a look at it and suddenly it all seems very real.  There's more going on there, but I don't want to say it and jinx it just yet.

Life is good. I just have to remember to take it all in.

I Could Die Happy #31

I could die happy after...

A really good piece of theatre.

I've never been a big musical theatre fan.  Sure, there are some shows I like, but they're usually the "darker" musicals.  Sweeney Todd, Jekyll and Hyde, Les Miserables.  When it comes to acting in shows, I lean towards comedies, but when it comes to sitting down in a dark theatre to watch, I love a good drama.  I'm talking about the kind of show that leaves you with a lump in your throat well after you've left the theatre.  Last night I saw one such production.  Master Harold and the Boys, at the Dayton Playhouse left me with that lump in my throat.  I was blown away by this production.  Franklin Johnson, Robert Waldron and Ray Zupp, each with his own nuances, made these characters their own.   All three men, with direction from Matthew Smith, brought this powerful script to life.  At times I laughed and other times I was on the edge of tears.  

This is a limited engagement show. Only this weekend, so go!  There's a show tonight at 8pm and tomorrow at 2pm.

I Could Die Happy #30

I could die happy when....

Someone notices.

One of the things any writer will tell you is how solitary the act of writing is. You spend a lot of time alone and creating half the circle.  It takes the reader to complete the other half.  The same goes with acting.  You can rehearse and rehearse, but until you have an audience you don't know what works and what doesn't.  The message is dangling out there in the universe.  Sometimes it feels the same way with this blog.  Most of the time I have no idea if anyone is reading this or not.  On one hand, I am doing it for me, so it isn't critical, but on the other hand, I'd love to know someone is listening/reading.

Occasionally someone will tell me out of the blue, "I love your blog." or "I've been reading you."   To them I always say "thanks" while I lower my head a bit in embarrassment.  Secretly, it makes my day!  

Go out and make someone's day today.  Let them know you notice them.  The good work they're doing. A good deed. Or even notice they might need a friend. A hug.  

Imagine a world where we notice the fellow man/woman in front of us and we spend less time noticing Lindsay Lohan or the Kardashians.