Sunday, May 27, 2012

Some Parenting Advice from a Non-Parent

I am not a parent and generally I would not presume to give parenting advice.  It would be like hiring a blind decorator.  The ideas might seems great in theory, but they don't work so well in the real world.

For of all, I know parenting is hard.  You don't get a manual and kids can be a pain in the ass, but as adults, we're supposed to rise to the occasion and be the better person.  I've never had kids and most of the times I've been grateful for that decision.  I was always afraid I'd somehow get a damaged one.  Like I always thought I was.

I love my parents and I know they did the best they could.  I mean that with all sincerity and would never want to embarrass them for actions forty years ago, but I feel deeply moved to write this tonight.

Several things have come up this week that have pushed me to give you one piece of parenting advice:

LOVE YOUR KIDS UNCONDITIONALLY!

Most of you are probably saying, "Well, of course. That's a no brainer."  Good, I'm glad you think so.  Now make sure your kids know that as well. You might be surprised to know they may not be so sure.   I was over thirty years old before I knew I was much more than a pawn in the divorce game.   That may not be true, but that's how it felt to me.  Sometimes I still feel like I'm being asked to choose and I'm forty seven years old.

Here's a hint about unconditional love.  It does not mean spoiling the child with laptops, iPads, cell phones, $400 sneakers, cars, taking them to music lessons, soccer practice, band practice, play rehearsal.  It does not mean raising a self entitled spoiled brat.  All of those things are substitutions for unconditional love.  These are the toys you can take away if they disappoint you.  Something to hold over their heads.  Isn't that healthy?

I woke up from a dream early this week where I recalled a childhood memory that I had forgotten.  Not repressed, but forgotten.  I knew the memory was there, but I never understood the significance of it until this week. Suddenly I realized why I grew up always assuming I was the least worthy person in the room. 

I'm happy to say that I have managed to get past that, but it helped to discover where that began.  Again, I know my parents were doing their best and one ten minute interaction may not have even stayed in their memories, but it certainly did mine. 

Here's another piece of advice:

DON'T EVER TELL YOUR KID YOU'VE GIVEN UP ON THEM OR THEY'RE A LOST CAUSE

No one is a lost cause, and if anything screams the opposite of unconditional love, it is this.  Now, I understand that some kids/adults make bad decisions and you as a parent get your heart broken, but too bad.  You disagree with their decisions if you like.  Sometimes we all make stupid decisions. You love them from a distance if you need to, but you do not fucking give up on them.  

I watched my step sister make terrible decisions and ultimately she died because of those decisions. She broke my parents' hearts, as well as those of her daughters.  My heart broke for her because I wanted somehow to help her, but she wouldn't accept it. I could have said, "fine, I give up on you," and built a shell around my heart, but right up to the end I had to believe that she was worth the fight, the pain, the effort.  I'm afraid she didn't think so though.  She gave up on herself.  

You may be wondering where this is coming from.  Why am I so passionate about this right now?  It's because I see history repeating itself and I see people buying into some bad advice they got growing up.  

Here's my advice for kids and adult kids:

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU WERE TOLD
SOME OF IT WAS WRONG EVEN THOUGH IT WAS PASSED DOWN FROM 
GENERATION TO GENERATION

BE THE ONE TO BREAK THE CYCLE

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

YOUR FUTURE KIDS ARE WORTH IT!

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes, I think our parents try to be the parents they needed as children, shielding us from things that frightened them, pushing us to do things they loved, not understanding that we are different. I don't have children of my own either, and sometimes it is that step away from a situation that allows you to see clearly what is happening, when parent and child are too entrenched in their own perspectives to view the picture at large. Most parents do the best they can given their own histories, and your advice is an excellent reminder that at its simplest, unconditional love is not easy, but always right. Thanks, Rick.

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