Accepting the Good When it Comes

I don't often talk about the specifics of religion, mostly because I think it's a private topic and I have no right to force my views on you, or yours on me.  Besides that, I'm still not sure what I believe.  I was raised Christian, but I've also explored Buddhism, Taoism, Judaism, Native American religions, and just yesterday I found the answer to a question that was bothering  me in the Quran.  I guess what I believe is there is more than one way to find "heaven" or inner peace.

Yesterday, I spent some time in my church, which is usually a theatre or book store. This time it was Barnes and Noble. I browsed in the religion section, which I don't normally do, but I'll come back to that. I picked up the Quran, and opened it to a random page.  Now, I can't tell you what section it was in, or even exactly how it went, but it was something like this: God does not undo man's gifts to himself and Man cannot take away God's gifts to you. Let me say that part again. Man cannot take away God's gifts to you. 


That struck me like a ton of bricks. A few days ago, after I blogged about the power of the positive attitude, something happened that made me realize I need to continue working on that positive attitude. I had a hard time accepting that something good was happening that I didn't have to fight for.  I did no work to earn it, it just happened.

My partner and I have been looking for a place to live.  Our landlord decided to sell our condo and we wanted to get out before it sold and we'd be forced out.  We hadn't had great luck finding anything we liked and in our price range.  We have a wonderful friend who did suggest the apartment complex he manages, and we pursued that and filled out all the necessary paperwork but it really wasn't what we'd hoped for.  We still wanted to live downtown.

Lo and behold, a friend told my partner about a condo a few blocks away.  We looked at it and it was perfect.  Perfect size. Perfect price.  Perfect location.  The landlord met us, told us we seemed like good people, and told us it was ours if we wanted it.  No application fees, background checks, credit checks, fifteen references, blood test, urine sample, etc... just his feeling that we were good people and we had a mutual friend who vouched for us.  Three days later, we signed the lease and gave him the deposit.  We start moving next weekend.

I don't know why this surprised me.  Good things have happened to me all the time, but somewhere in the past few years I stopped expecting the good things to happen and began expecting the worse.  The good things, I thought, would only come if I worked real hard and forced my will upon them.  I'm happy to report I was wrong.  Another lesson in all of this: when someone tells you that you seem like a good person, it makes you want to be a better person.  I'm suddenly wanting to give back more than ever before.  That's why I was browsing the religion section.

Back to the Quran.  The reason that verse struck me was a few days ago I spoke with a friend of mine and told him my anxiety over this good happening and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  He said, "maybe it's a gift from God, or the universe.  Just accept it and say thanks."  What?  Can it be that simple?

Maybe he was right.  It was a gift and no man could undo it. Maybe I should practice expecting the best; not the worse.

Thanks, God.

The Power of a Positive Attitude

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.  ~Scott Hamilton

I try to be a positive person.  I don't always succeed and I sometimes give in to the negative out of worry, fear or stress, but deep inside I tend to look at life as a glass half full.  This has saved me many times, along with my sense of humor.  I just don't think we can afford to take everything so seriously.  Speaking only for myself, I need to not take myself so seriously sometimes.   I look around and see so many people who have greater challenges or who are less fortunate than I and I wonder, "What the hell am I whining about?"

J.R. Martinez is the definition of a hero.

One of those people is J.R. Martinez.  If the name sounds familiar, he was the winner of the latest Dancing With the Stars.  I first saw him when he was cast on All My Children as a disfigured Iraqi war vet.  Today, he was the Grand Marshall of the Tournament of Roses Parade.  J.R. knows about challenges and having a positive attitude and he's not just another run of the mill celebrity.  He's a real live Iraqi war veteran who was burned in a land mine explosion.  He suffered burns on 40 percent of his body and has had over thirty surgeries since.  J.R. could have let his experience turn him angry and bitter, but he didn't.  He used it to his advantage and became a motivational speaker.  Aside from that, I think he is one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen.   His smile and attitude are contagious.

J.R. reminds me of a woman I met several years ago.  It's been so long I've forgotten her name, but not the lesson she taught me.  I'll call her Katherine for the sake of the story.  One night after a performance I was house managing, a woman with Cerebral Palsy, Katherine, sat in the lobby waiting for her ride.  She was in a motorized wheelchair and from what I recall, had very limited mobility.  I think she could only operate the joy stick that made the chair move.  She was the only one still in the lobby besides my friend, Melinda, and me.  

Ordinarily I would have dreaded the wait for the ride because the service that usually brought people with mobility issues was notoriously late.   I'd spent many hours waiting for rides for people in wheelchairs who were angry, bitter and blamed the world for everything.  I wasn't looking forward to that kind of evening but, Katherine, I quickly noted, was the opposite of those people.  Katherine was gracious, witty, and had a zest for life. 

I don't remember the conversation, I doubt is Melinda does either, but what I was most struck by was Katherine's attitude.  She had this light within her that beamed.  She wasn't angry. She wasn't bitter.  She was grateful for her life.  She was thrilled she could still come to the theatre.  She was grateful she could control the joy stick on the wheelchair.  She didn't look at all she couldn't do, she looked at all she could.

When the service finally picked Katherine up that evening, neither Melinda or I wanted her to go.  After she left, I remember bursting into tears. I was so moved by this woman in a wheelchair.  Whatever problems or challenges I had that day, or since,  couldn't compare to Katherine's. 

It's so easy to buy into the negative and moan about what we don't have, but in the grand scheme of things, we're incredibly blessed to have what we do.

Working in customer service, I get a lot of exposure to people who focus on the negative and want to blame everyone around them because their lives aren't perfect.  Saturday night, I had one such woman on a walker who I was helping on a wheelchair lift.  She complained the whole elevator ride to her seating area in the front of the loge.  "Why don't you have nicer elevators?  It's because you don't want handicapped people coming here isn't it?  You think you're doing me a favor?"  It went on and on.  If you've ever been on a wheelchair lift, you know how long it takes to travel a few feet.  After I escaped from her, I wondered what has made this woman so bitter.  Which came first, the walker or the bitterness?  I decided it was probably the bitterness. 

Life will throw a lot of shit our way, but if we can maintain an open, grateful heart, we can get through it.  We might even help someone else along the way. 

If you'd like more information on J.R. Martinez, check out his website by clicking here.

The Consequences of Our Actions

So, I was finishing my second cup of coffee when I started flipping through channels on the television and came across a little "Train Wreck TV" I couldn't avert my eyes from.  It was a Biography Channel show on Celebrity Mistresses.  Now, I'll be honest and say I didn't know who any of these women were because I don't really follow tabloid news or follow who Tiger Woods or Gordon Ramsey sleep with.  Frankly, I don't care.   What I was surprised about was the reaction these women had to their fame and reputations.

If a woman has an affair with a married celebrity, gets caught, accepts a large sum of money as a "settlement" (isn't it really just blackmail?), or gives interviews for cash, poses nude, does a sex tape and parades around talking trash, why is she so surprised to find out people think she's a slut?  Really?!?  In all fairness, maybe she's not a slut, but the image she is creating is.  Isn't she responsible for that image?  It seems to me, and I was informed by this television show, that as soon as the publicity dies down and the fifteen minutes of fame have passed, then the woman begins to worry about her reputation and wonders if maybe she's handled that badly.

Now I've never had an affair with a married celebrity... Well, not a full fledged affair, but there was some rolling around in the back of a van with a certain famous country music star, but I was nineteen years old and stupid.  Okay, I digress.  Just seeing if you were still paying attention.  The point is there are consequences to our actions.

There are many ways to say it, "You reap what you sow. Don't write a check your ass can't cash. What goes around comes around."   Some interpretations of karma are not about getting in this lifetime what you sowed in a previous lifetime, but more instantaneous.  If you do something now, it's going to have a consequence (good or bad) either immediately, or later on.  It's just how it works.

I will be the first to admit that I haven't always made the best decisions and I haven't always considered the consequences to my actions.  Sometimes they've bitten me in the ass and sometimes I've escaped unscathed, but I'm rarely surprised.  Pissed maybe, but not surprised.  How many times have we done something and said immediately after, "Why did I do that?  I know better."

At the end of the day I hope I've done more good in my life than bad and the consequences are positive and ones I can live with.

Oh, and if I ever get caught having an affair with a married celebrity,  someone please remind me to keep my mouth shut and don't pose nude for anyone. Not even National Geographic.

New Year's Resolutions- Less Me

According to a CNN poll, losing weight is the number one New Year's resolution.  I'm sure that doesn't come as a shock to most of us.  It's been on my list more years than it hasn't.

Honestly, I don't usually do New Year's resolutions because they seem to set us up for failure.  They set me up for failure.  To set out to never do something again is like an alcoholic getting sober with the thought of never drinking again.  It's overwhelming.  It's easier to do if you take it one day at a time.  That's how I plan to accomplish my goals this year.  One day, or hour, at a time.  Whatever it takes.

My turning point, this time, was the day after Christmas when I got on the scale and had to call the Suicide Prevention hotline.  When did this get so bad?  How did I not notice?  Oh yeah, I avoid cameras and mirrors.

The snake-oil we buy, hoping for a miracle.  

So here I am at my highest weight ever (I'll tell you what it is when I'm about 50lbs away from it) and I know I have to make the changes necessary now!  I can't continue like this.  All my other goals and responsibilities are going to have to take a sideline to this one for a while.

Anyone with a television or who reads a magazine knows that weight loss is big business these days.  Everyone wants to sell you their book, their method, their diet.  They all tell you the other's don't work and only theirs will deliver the true Holy Grail.   The susceptible public, myself included, becomes overwhelmed at all the choices and decisions that need made and ends up paralyzed.   Doing nothing.  Is it any wonder how many of us are obese?  God, I hate that word, but according to my BMI, that's me.   I'm Rick Flynn and I'm obese. And yes, these pants do make my ass look big.

It's amazing the number of "diets" or "lifestyle changes" one can choose to follow.  You can do the Paleo Diet, which is all about hunting and gathering.  If you can hunt it, you can eat it. Except grains, which apparently don't count in the gathering phase.  There's the vegan diet, where you can eat anything that hasn't come from an animal. This gives you fruits, vegetables, grains, beans, etc...  There's Atkins where you want to eat animal products, along with vegetables, but again grains are limited.  There's South Beach, Jenny Craig, Nutru-System, Medfast and others... Then there's Weight Watchers, which makes the most sense, as it's about portion control and eating a variety of foods.  It's basically counting calories or points that Weight Watchers has calculated for you for the low price of $12 a week or $18.95 a month for the online program.   That's great, but I'm already spending more money buying nutritious food, which is another topic.  Why can we eat so much more inexpensively with bad food than good food?  Oh yes, back to the business of weight.  If we all ate an abundance of fruits and vegetables, the processed food companies would lose money.  The very same processed food companies who want to keep us fat.

I digress.  So, back to the choices.  What ever happened to calories in/calories out?  That does still work, right?  You don't need a fancy plan, just count the calories you're eating and make sure you're burning more than you're eating.  It's simple math, right? I portion my foods. I count my calories. I move my ass to burn off those calories.  I think I can do this.

I've got a plan.  I have the desire to make this work. I have the need to be healthier in 2012.  I'm too young to be feeling so hopeless about my weight.  I have too much I want to do that I can't do at my size.   I want to do yoga.  I want to run.  I want to climb a mountain.  I want to feel good about myself again.  That's not asking too much is it?

I am worth it and it's time I put me first!

Happy New Year everyone!  May we all be our best selves in 2012.

Anger- Another Taboo?

"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore."

~ Network

I've thought a lot about my blog entry yesterday about sadness and depression.  I realized those things aren't the only tabooed feelings.  Anger is another big one. Basically anything that isn't "happy" and "joyful" we don't want to talk about.  If we talk about it, we might have to acknowledge our own unpleasant feelings.

What's the first thing someone usually tells you when you're angry?  "Don't be upset.  Don't be angry."  And then they'll give you reasons to invalidate your anger.  Lost your job?  They'll say, "Don't be angry.  It's the economy."  A loved one dies and someone will say, "she's in a better place."

Bullshit!

I listened to that advice when I lost my job and then I became depressed and gained twenty-five pounds in two months.  That's how I always did it.  Stuff the anger and be a "good guy."  Rise above.  What was I rising above? Nothing.  I was stuffing those feelings of anger down as fast as I could shovel food into my mouth.  The only thing rising was my blood pressure.

I'm not saying I should have let my anger rule my actions, but had I acknowledged it and used it to empower myself, there's a lot of energy in anger.  I could have found positive ways to release it and use it.  Denying it only buries it deeper where its bound to escape in a less controlled and appropriate manner.  That's why it's usually the "quiet ones" who take off on a murderous rampage, much to the surprise of everyone around them.

Yesterday as I thought about sadness and depression, an old saying occurred to me, "Depression is anger turned inward."   Okay, Oprah, this might have been my "aha" moment because it all clicked.  Last night I realized just how angry I am and what I've been stuffing down.  Personally, there are a few things I haven't been able to express yet for fear of burning a bridge, but there are many things that contribute to it.  Turn on the nightly news and it's full of reasons to be angry.

Our government is fucked up beyond anything I've seen in my lifetime.  The price of gas fluctuates with the greed of the oil industry executives.  Banks get bailouts and then give their CEOs bonuses.  The prices at the grocery store keep going up and up.  Cheap fast food is the only thing some families can afford and it's making them fatter.  Jobs are scarce and the employers who do hire have us by the balls.  Workers comp cases are down, one friend in the legal industry told me, because workers are afraid to make waves for fear of losing their jobs.  We are becoming a nation of indentured servants to the wealthy one percent.

The clip above comes from the 1976 film, Network, starring Faye Dunaway, William Holden and Peter Finch.  It's empowering and the same speech could be delivered by Brian Williams or Barbara Walters today.  It's that timely.

I think we all need to get angry, not to carry it around with us, but to express it in a positive life changing way.  Individually we can only address what is in front of us, but collectively, we can make a difference.  Say what you want about the Occupy Wall Street movement, but it certainly showed us we're not alone in our anger.  Let's use that to empower us, as a nation, and as individuals.

Personally, today I'm going to express my anger instead of stuffing it down with food.  I think I'm going to need a punching bag to go with my rice cake and salad today.

Winter/Post Holidays Blues

"Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever. 
Between you and me, I could honestly say. 
That things can only get better."

~ Elton John- That's Why They Call it the Blues

We can talk about a lot of things these days. There are very few social taboos left.  We talk about sex, like we're discussing household chores or planning our next vacation. We tell our friends how much money we make. We'll even show you our strategically placed tattoo if you ask.  What we won't do is talk about depression.  We certainly won't admit to it.  If we do admit to it, someone will try to sell you a pill.  "Here, try this green one.  I'm never sad, but of course my sex drive is gone too." 

Depression is a familiar acquaintance to me.  We've hung out occasionally since I was in high school.  He's not around all the time.  Mostly he shows up when I'm feeling stressed or something in my life feels beyond my control.  He's a part of me and I don't need for him to go away.  I just wish he wouldn't come on so strong when he visits. Until I acknowledge his presence, I'm paralyzed.  Everything seems unmanageable.  Once I accept him, I begin to get my power back.   Somehow by admitting I'm depressed, it goes away. 

The gray winters of Dayton, Ohio are a lovely vacation place for my dark passenger (yes, I'm stealing that term from Dexter).  He showed up yesterday and between the post Holidays let down and the rainy days lately, he unpacked to stay for a while. I humored him and we hung out yesterday, but this morning I packed his bags and sent him out again.  He may be back when the sun disappears, but for now, he's out of the house. 

Some may wonder why not just take a pill and avoid all of this?  I've tried that route and it didn't really work for me.  True, the sadness didn't seem as sad, but the gladness was never as glad either.  I want to live a life with a full range of emotions; not just the safe ones at the center of the pendulum.  As a writer, I have to experience it all. 

The holidays are difficult for some people.  We think about the ones who are no longer here and how much we miss them.  We say goodbye to family members as they get back on airplanes and back to their own lives.  We spend too much money and then worry how we'll keep the lights on.  Many things can bring on the blues.  In the advice of Elton John, "Don't look at it like it's forever."   It's only temporary. 

If a friend seems down or sad this time of year or any other, don't offer them a pill.  Offer them a smile and a hug.  It will be more appreciated than you'll ever know. 

Finding Something You Never Expected

Henni Fisher as Connie. John Spitler on the
left and Scott Knisley in the back.

If you follow me on Facebook, you already know what I've been up to lately and probably why I haven't done any writing here.  What you wouldn't know is how many times I've started an entry and stopped because I couldn't find the right words to express the range of emotions I've been overwhelmed with.  It all seems kind of silly because all I was really doing was performing in a play, The Blue Moon...Dancing. 

Its not completely unusual that I was doing a play, but this experience was like none I've ever had.  This is where the plethora of emotions come in and I have a hard time putting them into words.

I got to work with some amazing actors again and some for the first time.  I got to stretch myself as an actor in a meaty role that challenged me every night.  The best part was being part of such a supportive cast.  Everyone got along.  We hung out together.  It was almost like college again and for this forty-seven year old, it was much needed.

Josh Lurie, Angela Timpone, Marsha Nowik,
Wendi Michael

The show was about a group of people who have let their dreams pass them by.  Each character has a range of hopes, dreams, and regrets.  Who can't relate to that?  Its a theme that seems to mirror my own life on many levels.  It wasn't that long ago I decided to make my dream of being a writer, a reality.  This experience reminded me of that other dream I put on the shelf many years ago.  The dream of becoming an actor.

As a writer, it's a solitary life.  You don't have a cast to hang out with when you finish writing your pages for the day.  It was a big change.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my writer friends and I love hanging out with them.  They seem to "get" me, but I think a few of my fellow actors might also "get" me.

Scott Knisley and Kelly Engle

My dear friend, Katrina said it best.  "Acting is the opposite of writing."  I think that's true.  I'm grateful that both are a part of me and that I got to feel embraced by these very talented theatre people and equally embraced by my writer people who came to see the show.  You all fill my heart with love.

Now the play is over and it's back to the writing.  If I'm lucky, when I finish my daily pages, somewhere off in the distance, I'll hear the sounds of laughter and cheers coming from an invisible audience.  I'll take my bow and get back to reality.