In Search of God

I had a line in St. Paulie's Delight where I said something like, "I don't believe in God. I really wish I did. There is something comforting in the ceremony of it all. I believe we should be good people and all. Do unto others and all that, but I don't believe in God."  The truth is, I could have been saying that myself these days. I won't say I don't believe, but lets just say, I'm skeptical.

When I was a kid, I did the Sunday school thing. Vacation Bible School and all that. Learned a few Bible verses, but never really had it shoved down my throat. I'm grateful that it wasn't. I never had to rebel against it. I remember praying as I grew up. None of that public praying. That came across as phony to me.  A lot of the religion I did see came off as phony to be honest. There is something condescending sounding when people say "I'm praying for you."  I know not everyone means to sound condescending, but they sometimes do.

I guess my skepticism started as I saw all the hypocrisy in the people I saw "practice the ways of the Lord." Like my Holier than Thou relative who also liked to fondle my junk. My skepticism was reinforced by the idea that there was only one way to heaven. Through Jesus. Since I had a grandmother and aunt who were Jehovah Witnesses, that battle for the soul played out across my childhood. Especially when the grandmother told me there was no Santa Claus and that Christmas was made up.

Then came the teenage years and Leviticus 20:13. "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

Okay then.  I can see the big guy upstairs isn't really a fan of mine, so I'm not going to be a fan of his.  Later, wise people told me we don't recognize that part of the Bible. "We ignore it," they said. Well, that didn't make sense to me. Do you read Gone With the Wind and ignore the Civil War?"  If this book is supposed to be the be all and end all of this religion, how do you ignore some and not the other?  That's when I chose to ignore all of it.

I have friends who are Christians, Catholics, Buddhists, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Atheists, and variations within. They're all good people. If there is a heaven, I can't imagine why any of them should be shut out because their God is slightly different, or the text they read is in a different language. If their beliefs bring them comfort, who am I (or you) to judge?

As many ways as there are to practice whatever belief you have, there are ways of praying. Some like to do it publicly, or on television, like a PBS fund raising drive. "Send us money and these sinners won't burn in hell." Others do it quietly, with purpose. Some just say, "hey God. Can you give me a break?" I believe honest prayer can work, but not because it's asking the big guy for something. It's because you put your intention out into the universe. Enough positive energy and I believe things can happen. Just as negative energy causes things to happen.  And sometimes praying is the only action we can muster. I'm not a doctor. I can't make someone not be sick, so praying gives us something to do so we don't feel quite so helpless. Praying can also be used as a cop out, when another action would be more effective. Don't pray for your hungry neighbors, when taking them a couple of sandwiches would do the trick. Most of the time that action you need to do is called being kind.


Here's what I believe. God is an energy that is in nature and all living things. He is not a entity. Not an old guy with a white beard who grants wishes and expects you to be perfect or Santa won't come. God is in a sunset, a rainy day, a blade of grass, a homeless person. God is like wifi.  You can't see it. He's not in one location, but you can plug in almost anywhere you go. You don't have to get on your knees, or be in a church. You don't even have to believe. God is like oxygen. It's free. It's all around us. It's not disappointed in you if you don't tap in.  It's just there if you do.

In short, God to me, is that energy that connects us all as living beings. God is more like Mother Nature than anything else. If there was one religion I could practice that didn't make me feel like a hypocrite, it would be something along the lines of Native American spirituality. I believe in a Great Spirit.

I believe in kindness; not hypocrisy.

It's My Blog and I'll Cry if I Want To

A while ago I had the idea that I should stop being so personal on here. I should stop displaying my neurosis for all the world to see. Well, f*ck it!  It's my blog. I'll cry if I want to.

Lately, I've been watching someone I love go through some struggles and heartache as he, and I, realize our parents are older, they're human and they can't be our Supermen and Wonder Women forever.  Another friend is still dealing with her partner, and our friend,  taking her own life last year.  A different friend is waiting to hear if she has uterine cancer or not. I could go on and on.  So many people are dealing with some life altering situation. Many are private and don't share their fears, struggles and sadness with the world, but that doesn't mean they aren't going through something. We never know what anyone is facing.

In all of this, I'm constantly reminded how each day is a gift and we're not guaranteed any of them.  I know it sounds cliche, but it is true. I'm also aware of how much time I waste on stupid, petty things. That's the part that makes me angry.

It's really hard not to look at people and shake them when they complain about not liking their theatre seat or how offended they are because someone looked at them funny.  REALLY?! I want to look at them and scream, "Grow the fuck up! It's not all about you."

The Stories in My Head

I have been making up stories in my head since I was about five years old.  It could be a sign of mental illness, or I'm a writer.  Well, it could be both, but I'll go with being a writer for now.  I think we writers and most children are blessed with a vivid imagination.  If we can actually survive our youth and the educational system with our imaginations intact, we are doing quite well.

Often as a writer, I steal from life.  A twenty-something grunge street guitarist becomes a character.  A Spring meadow after a morning's rain becomes a setting.  An overheard conversation becomes dialogue.  The jagged scar above a dark eyebrow becomes a story question.  My own questions about life become the plot.  Everything is fair game when you're a writer.  I think it makes you look at life differently, with less of a firm grip.

Sometimes in life, something will happen that seems random and doesn't seem to have much significance, but it becomes the scene that was missing in the novel I'm writing.

I joked recently after some writer's block (which really was just about procrastinating) that I used to be a writer.  I realize I was wrong.  I am a writer. With every breath I take. Every moment I'm taking in all the sights, scents, sounds that make me a writer.

Making up those stories in my head is what makes me be me.

Art Imitates Life and Vice Versa

I don't always believe in a higher plan. Sometimes I think life is just random and how we deal with it sets up the next chain in a sequence of events and more random stuff as it comes along.  Sometimes though I am struck by certain "coincidences" that happen. There are times when I look around and know that everything I am has prepared me for this particular moment.

Doing theatre is like that for me sometimes. I can not say that I haven't learned something from just about every play I've ever done. Sometimes the "aha" moment comes in just the audition, as I experienced when I auditioned for 100 Saints You Should Know.  There is a monologue where the character I wanted to play talks about loneliness. At some point delivering that monologue it stopped being the character and started being me. It was my heart I was laying open for everyone to see. But I got to hide behind the character, so it was safe.

I played a father in Brighton Beach Memoirs when I was wondering if I'd be a good father. I'm not sure if the play came to me, or I came to the play with that one.  I did You Can't Take it With You at a time when I was trying to learn to lighten up. The Laramie Project was one that left me heartbroken every night, but it also spurred me to political action.  I played Mel in The Prisoner of Second Avenue and delivered a couple of monologues which foreshadowed my own experience of being fired from a job I'd given my life to.

This list goes on and on. I don't know if the audience walks away with new found understandings of anything, but as an actor, I certainly do.

So now I'm in the most timely play of my life. It's a new work called Saint Paulie's Delight.  I play Paul, one half of the couple, Paul and Oscar. The two of them have been together for twenty years and now the state in which they live has just passed marriage equality.  Something they never anticipated when they got together twenty years earlier. Now Paul wants to get married and begins planning the wedding to end all weddings. Everything is perfect until Oscar drops the bombshell that he doesn't want to get married. He likes things just like they are.

What I love about the script is that it takes an honest look at relationships and the whole picture. I won't tell you everything because you should come see it, but there are some lines where I stop and think "wow, that's so true."   It's so easy to get caught up in the "right to marry" fight that we sometimes forget that not everyone needs that. Not everyone wants to conform to expectations of the norm.

I believe we should have the right to marry and the right to decide not to marry if that's what we choose.

So, how does this play affect me like the others? The other night when we were running it, I found myself holding back tears as Oscar tells Paul he doesn't want kids and that if Paul does, he should go out and find someone who wants that too.

I never really thought I wanted kids. The whole notion terrifies me, but hearing those words, even if they are in a script and said to my character and not me, makes me very sad.  Personally I'm more like Oscar in this play, as I don't want to bend to societal norms, but for a moment each night I find myself wanting the same thing Paul wants.  I want kids and a family. I want a white picket fence,  soccer practice, and a nosy neighbor to watch Wheel of Fortune with.

Who knew?

A Revolution

    

"Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!"

~Les Miserables

I'm awake tonight wondering what tomorrow will bring. Today the US Supreme Court made a ruling that set voter's rights back four decades. Tonight, a filibuster is happening in the Texas Senate over a woman's right to choose.  Tomorrow the US Supreme Court will announce it's ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act and California's Prop 8. It could be a big day for or against gay rights. 

I worry. Not over one issue in particular, but of the way government has become so out of touch with the people of the United States.  We are a society ruled by the most part by rich, old white men who don't know what it's like to be stopped from voting, marrying the person they love, or having to make a decision to end a pregnancy.  They don't seem qualified to make the decisions they have put themselves in power to decide. 

I worry that the people will rise and take back the government. I worry about this because it's going to be a bloody war that must be fought if we are ever to regain our country. 

"Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?

Then join in the fight
That will give you the right to be free!"

We are not victims and we will rise up and overcome. It's how America was born and how it will be reborn. 

God Doesn't Hate F*gs; We Do That On Our Own

The thing about writing a blog, is not everything I write gets published. A lot of it stays in a draft folder. Sometimes it's because the idea isn't fully formed and sometimes it's because I'm afraid what I have to say will be so misinterpreted that I decide not to put it out there. The following is one I wrote over a year ago. I've written several along this line because I don't think the truth really gets revealed much in this area. Most of those entries remain in the draft folder.

If you're a gay man, you may recognize the feelings expressed here, but we don't talk about them, because they might perpetuate the stereotypes we're trying to deny exist.

A friend of mine published a novel not too long ago in which one of the lead characters is a not-so-sympathetic gay man.  The book is called Well With My Soul by Gregory G. Allen. I won't give away the plot, but as I said, one of the main characters is not so nice.  This morning, Greg sent me a link to a review he saw that called him homophobic because the gay character isn't portrayed in a positive manner.  I actually found that part refreshing.  Let's face it, not all gay men are nice!  Some are assholes! 

I know, I know... Gay Pride!  We're all supposed to like each other and support each other and all that crap.  We stand united against the Bible beating politicians and we tell kids "It Get's Better."   Yes, kids, it does get better because you get stronger.  You learn how to fight and you learn that you're worth more than anyone will tell you, and you certainly will NOT learn that lesson in a bar, a bath house, or a Gay Pride parade.  You will learn that by having loving supportive friends around you.  Some may be gay; some may be straight. 

In a brief history of the gay rights movement, the police harassed us, the drag queens stood up to them, we made headway and then AIDS came, wiped many of us out, we stood up again, got Don't Ask Don't Tell, got knocked back a bit, pushed forward and made headway with gay marriage.  More backlash. Forward movement.

Externally, we've made progress. Internally, we're just as divided as ever. Look at the makeup of the large gay rights organizations. Predominately white. Predominately good looking.  Predominately affluent. 

I decided not to finish, or publish this because it seemed angry and homophobic.  Angry, yes. Homophobic, no. The truth is, we don't treat each other very well. I hear women say sometimes that they would love to have a gay best friend because we are all fabulous.  No, we're not ladies.  Not all of us.  We can be bitchy, judgmental, offensive, and arrogant....all under the excuse that we're gay and we have the right to be that way.  We are FABULOUS! It's our birthright.  Actually it makes us no better than Ann Coulter or the Westboro Baptist Church. Hate is hate, regardless of who is spewing it.

If you're gay and you're white, slim, under thirty, and a have a few dollars in your pocket, I don't expect you to understand any of this.  This may not be your experience...yet.  If you're not white, over thirty, not slim, or struggling like the rest of America, I think you might have a clue as to what I'm saying.  You've experienced that feeling of being invisible in a crowded room. It's a lonely existence.

This month, as we've deemed it Gay Pride Month, can we maybe do something we can actually feel proud of? Can we treat each other with a little respect and dignity? There are many wonderful people already doing this, but there are just as many, if not more, who could use the time to catch up.  Let's show the world that adversity has made us better people. Let's show the world that we are people of all shapes, sizes, colors, economic brackets, etc...

Just be nicer to each other. Recognize the human condition that is all of us, gay, straight and everywhere in between.

Glass or Rubber...You Decide

When we're kids, or in our early teens, we can't wait to be an adult. You can do what you want. Go where you want. No one tells you what you can and can't do. Oh, but how wrong we were......

Being an adult sucks sometimes.

Life can throw us some pretty gnarly shit and no one can take care of it, but us.  Unexpected job loss, the death of a loved one, a serious medical diagnosis. There are lots of things that can turn your life around on a dime, but it's how we deal with such things that either makes us stronger, or destines us to always feel like a victim.

I could get started on how we've become a society of victims, always offended by something, always blaming others, always feeling powerless, but that's another topic for another day.

When something shitty happens, we need to stop and regroup. It's probably the healthy thing to do, but it's not always easy to do.  Life doesn't stop because we lost our job, someone died, or we got a shitty diagnosis. Life just keeps on happening. The electric bill needs paid.  The dogs need fed. The kids have to go to school. We have to bathe.  All the usual responsibilities are still there.

There are times when I've had a rough day/week at work that I want to crawl into a hole and not be bothered....ever, but I can't.  I can unplug for a couple of hours, but I can't disappear from life....as much as I might want to. I can't turn into a fragile piece of glass sitting up on a shelf, where nothing touches me.

I don't know if I'm angry there is no one who will carry all my burdens so I don't have to, or grateful that I don't have to depend on someone to take care of me. I'm not a piece of glass. I'm more like rubber. I can bend further than I ever think I can stand, but then I always snap back eventually.

I may not be perfect at it, and sometimes it takes me a bit to figure out what I need to do to take care of me, but I've been doing it for a damned long time. Whitney Houston said learning to love yourself is the greatest love at all. I'd add taking care of yourself to that. It's the greatest skill I ever learned....after writing, of course.